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Confessions of an anonymous blond
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-Author Unknown  
- I haven't been feeling very successful as far as typing out my thoughts go lately. I've been feeling downright closed off. I'm battling many things lately, mostly myself.. if that even makes sense. I don't think it does. I guess it's safe to say that my biological clock is officially ticking. I have gone from a woman who did not feel ready for a child, to a woman who feels that if she waits too long, she will only face more complications/risks or general failures at conception down the line. These thoughts frighten me, the fact that I feel I want to consider pursuing motherhood frightens me. It's not like my relationship is so wonderful that bringing a child into it would make our bond even stronger.. Nothing as mushy as that. We haven't been having any problems lately, but that doesn't mean that everything is rainbows and sunshine, either, as far as I see it. I still sit on my usual complaints and issues that I have with Adam and our docile home life (that will never change)..I don't even know what kind of parenting skills the two of us would butt heads over in the end if we did have a child together. I, however, look ahead and I don't see very much too look forward to in my life. I don't see myself feeling very happy or achieving much down the road ahead of me. I imagine myself getting old and being alone with no children or grandchildren to watch grow, to share my love with, and that makes me very sad. To envision myself as an older woman with no real family makes me feel so empty that it hurts. What will I have to show for going my entire young life avoiding the fear of pregnancy, childbirth, and rearing another human being and therefore never facing those fears and conquering them? What will I have gained if I spent my fertile years running from the phobias that I have, or the concerns that I have about raising a child? Will I really be happy in fifteen or twenty years when I look back and say "now I'm alone- I have no children- but at least I kept myself in tact and didn't go through the frightening prospect of pregnancy or birth. I didn't have to deal with a kid, either." ? I don't think I will feel good about that. I think this empty feeling is telling me something, and it's only growing. It's so strong that it's challenging my fears and making me think twice. This scares me. Right now I feel like my own worst enemy for having these feelings, this is all part of being a woman.. A woman who is worried she will run and hold off until it's too late, and she will live the rest of her life with regrets.. I am starting prenatal vitamins this week, and considering trying my hand at conquering this fear beginning next month, the first month of the new year. I cannot believe that I am even saying this. There is no reason for me to reason that Adam is the perfect model for a father, that would not be true. But whatever makes me think that I am the perfect model for a mother? I have not had a maternal bone in my body, not any sort of motherly instinct, in my entire life. Nobody is perfect, my life with Adam certainly isn't perfect. But what else is there for me? Break up and hope that another 5+ years doesn't go by before I meet someone else that MIGHT be worth settling down with, then rush to cross that hurdle of trying to start a family (if they even WANT that) before it's too late?? By then the risks of birth defects are at their highest. That is not realistic to consider. If this relationship doesn't work out, this will have been my last real chance to try to start a family at all.. lost. I'm not getting any younger.. And that clock is only getting louder and louder in my mind. I'm not looking forward to Christmas this week, to be honest. I have to endure visits and I am not truthfully feeling very attentive or sociable. But I have to suck it up and just deal with it, story of my life. Hopefully by then I will be in a (at least somewhat) better frame of mind. prev | next
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