My confusion trudges on... and on..
8:35 pm - 11/19/2009

My last entry baffles me, even re reading it I am more confused than I am clear on what I want (or don't want).

The only thing I am sure of is that I'm NOT sure about anything. Despite the fact that I have to face time being a growing factor in my decision whether or not to plan for a child in the future, I still have the reality that is laid out in front of me; I am bored. My life consists of nothing but mundane daily routines and then a few hours of watching Adam game at night before it's time to go to sleep and do it all again the next day. The weekends consist of more of watching Adam game or just lay around.. and then game. I look at couples with active social lives, happy couples with healthy communication and love for one another, and I envy them and what they have. I feel so short-changed. I wind up blaming myself for ending up like a bored and depressed house-wife (sans the actual marriage part).

Why couldn't he tell me that this was the extent of his life, instead of giving off a completely different impression in the beginning the way that he did? Why couldn't he have been fair with me as I had been with him, about my goals and plans? It doesn't seem like a very fair thing to do to someone else if you know your lifestyle does not mesh with theirs early on, so you choose to deceive instead of accept that the differences may be too great.

Now, as a result, I am left with this life that I am living with a person that I don't feel I knew at all. My only reasons to decide to have a child would be for me, rather than "us". I would be fighting a losing battle to raise any child with proper influence if their father shows them that lounging around the computer gaming 24/7 is "the thing to do".. Well, if that's what they see 365 days a year, there's a good chance they'll follow exactly in the same footsteps.. that's an unsettling thought. I'm left feeling very empty when weighing what I want VS. the reality of this situation.

I'm alone even when he's at home. When he's not working, he's gaming. When he's not gaming, he's sleeping. Somewhere in the midst of all of this, I am just here, stagnant. I still often think about Jaeden even though that is long over, a part of my past that I should put behind me forever. I still miss feeling that kind of love. What have I become? I'll tell you what I've become... A woman who feels she has to base life decisions on "what's best for her" or "in her best interests" rather than out of love or loyalty to the person that she's supposed to be sharing her life with.

The question remains, though, what life??

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