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No big surprise.

I hear about friends' plans for the 4th and I wish deep down inside that just for *once*, Tyler and I would be doing something aside from what we do the other 364 days out of the year.. Sitting at home like bumps on a log.

I'm embarrassed when friends ask me what our plans are.. whether it be for my birthday, Christmas, you name it.. It's equally as embarrassing to say, year after year, "He doesn't want to do anything/go anywhere, so we're not doing anything..again."

Anyone that Knows me well, knows that I've always been an active person. I like to get out and I live by the saying that life is short. You only live once, so why not make the best of it? Why not see what there is to see, and do what there is to do? At least to go out a FEW times a year, is that too much to ask??

My grandmom reminded me yesterday when the subject came up, that life is short, and that over three years have gone by where I cannot say I have gone anywhere or seen anything new.. That I am watching everyone else around me enjoying their lives at least part of the time, while I watch mine pass me by. It depressed me a great deal to acknowledge this..

I know for a fact that Tyler went out a lot before I came into his life. I've heard all of the stories, not only from him, but from his deadbeat relative.. So why is it that now having a life is so outlandish? Is it somehow ME BEING in his life that has brought this about? I can't imagine how or why he thought that settling down with someone meant life is over, but it is very saddening...

He even turned down an invite extended to us (without even bothering to ask me first) to go to Vegas for a few days, an invite with the offer to carpool and save on gas, as well as to share a room and save on hotel money.. Everything was being offered at a fraction of the cost it would have been to go in our own car, just the two of us.. and even that couldn't happen. He used to go on this particular trip every year.. before me, that is. Why is it that it seems a priority of his to short-change both of us now that we're together?? It depressed me even further..

Sure, I could just go out with friends every chance I get and live my life on my own whether or not Tyler wants to, and just leave him behind each and every time, and you know what ends up happening then? Nothing good. I might as well just be single if everything that I do doesn't include my partner in any way. What's the point? :-(

I want to enjoy what life is ahead of me.. I wanted to enjoy it with my partner. Why is it that with him, "Relationship = Life is over?"

11:56 am - 07/03/2008

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